Relational Lenses
Relational growth resembles physical growth. It is made up of sequential stages. Each new stage builds on the skills achieved in the former one. Reaching a new stage will allow us to relate through a new relational lens, and therefore meet new emotional demands.
1 - Bonding Lens
Emotional permanence is key in connecting with others.
Babies feel fear the moment they are born. They spend many long months resting in a quiet and dark place, only to enter a life full of noise and light. They cling to their mother with all their strength and experience terror when they are apart.
When babies express needs and the mother responds with provision and connection, they receive a deposit of love. They need to store enough love deposits to achieve emotional permanence. By that time, they experience being loved even in the mother’s physical absence. After they have bonded with their mother, they begin to explore their boundaries.
The inability to relate to others will cause difficulty initiating and maintaining relationships. This eventually leads to emotional instability, isolation, and various other emotional issues.
2 - Distinctness Lens
Armed with the perception of being loved even when they do not see their mother, they embark on exploring their environment. They begin to undergo some separation from their mother.
“I believe I am capable of doing anything and getting anything. I know no self-control and accept no delays in gratification.”
“I desire to distinguish myself from my mom, and I see now how the word ‘NO’ will allow that. I will say no to whatever is being asked.”
When toddlers say no, they observe their parents’ responses. They feel safe when their love is affirmed but feel uncertainty when their parents react with anger or withdrawal of love. When toddlers say no, they aim to distinguish themselves. The more their parents affirm love in response to “no”, the more they learn to recognize precisely what their true identity is.
Failure to recognize one’s own identity leads to blurring the lines of personal responsibility and freedom.
God respects our boundaries and does not trespass them. waiting on God does not mean inaction, but performing our share of the responsibility. God takes His share of the responsibility seriously and will carry out his promises.
God is very secure and is not intimidated by the freedom of others. He honors our will, and sets up clear consequences in advance to help us determine our choices.
3 - Integration Lens
Having formed an identity, we morally divide people into good and bad. We perceive them as either perfectly righteous or riddled with wickedness. Choices are subject to the rule of either correct or wrong. By failing to discern the presence of good and bad together, we mistake parts for the whole and fail to recognize the bigger picture.
The splitter’s flaws fuel addictions. They wear masks to hide their true identity. A splitter encounters difficulty settling conflicts. They perceive others as bad as soon as they experience conflict with them.
A splitter’s professional life can be successful; however, their private life is overwhelmed with secrets.
Accepting the presence of the good and the bad in oneself is the first step to resolving the inner conflict. We need to admit to our flaws and reveal them to trustworthy and gracious people. When we receive their honesty and their empathy, our flaws reconcile with our virtues.
When the good and bad halves of ourselves reconcile, we transform into authentic individuals. There are no more hidden versions of ourselves. What you see is what you get.
As integrated, we perceive ourselves as a whole. We can choose good or bad actions according to our will and our motives. We can give acceptance and grace to others as we settle conflicts with them.
4 - Levelness Lens
Authority is the power to lead others independently in civil, vocational, and professional aspects of life.
As leaders, we grow in responsibility. We begin to comprehend that our task is to protect, guide, and inspire others.
A leader understands the difference between punishment and consequences. They have conquered the guilt of making errors and the fear of people’s reactions. They have gained freedom and can relinquish some of it to submit to authority.
A leader delegates power to their subordinates to allow them to transfer responsibility to others. A leader will execute the delegation after building trust with said subordinates. They maintain the responsibility of guiding and inspiring others.
Authority is not a goal but a position to serve others. Subordinates do not devalue others while they obey their superiors. They exercise authority responsibly.
Freedom enables the deliberate submission to authority. Submission is done with sights on accepting new responsibilities. We honor the positions of leaders and submit to their authority. We can question authority figures and disagree with them when they violate our love and life.
