When we form our identity, we relate through the distinctness lens. We recognize that some conflict triggers lie within our boundaries, making them our own. We mainly comprehend how our myths and emotional outbursts ignite conflict. We stop blaming others for conflict occurrences.
We learn to free ourselves so we can own the work of settling the conflict with others. We honor conflict parties while speaking our truthful needs and feedback. We don’t triangulate a third party hoping they will read our situation, talk on our behalf, and devise a solution. We don’t lay the responsibility of the solution at others’ doorsteps.
Jesus encouraged us to make an effort to settle disputes before going out to the court. Luke, 15:28. “ As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled on the way, or your adversary may drag you off to the judge..”.
When we are delayed in forming an identity, we relate through the compliance or devaluation lens. Our relationships are marred with the same conflicts happening again and again. We become so used to disputes that we create them to test our partner’s loyalty!
Through the compliance lens, we accept total responsibility for triggering the conflict. We feel deeply ashamed of conflict occurrence or being made known. We condemn ourselves for conflicts arising from our worthy needs. We withdraw from conflicts to keep the image of harmony while, deep down, we resent our relationship.
When we approach conflicts through the devaluation lens, We see others in conflict as an extension of our possession. We pursue the things we want from them without any regard for their freedom or responsibility. We value winning the contest at any price, so we intimidate others into submission. We yell, threaten, and even commit violence to get our way. It is like our way or the highway. We do not listen to others or afford them empathy and therefore don’t receive their solutions. We read In Nehemiah 6:9. How Tobiah and Sanballat tried intimidating Nehemiah so he would not rebuild Jerusalem’s walls.
Paul and Maria are a middle-class couple. Paul wants to trade his pick truck for a new hybrid one. Maria objects and says: your vehicle is only two years old. It is in excellent condition. Paul gives Maria a death stare and firmly replies: all my crew is driving better trucks. This is not up for discussion.
Paul values getting the new shiny truck more than he values hearing Maria. He uses intimidation to cast his desire as an urgent need.
In relating through the devaluation lens, We resort to manipulation to manage conflicts. We often mislead and bait others. We hide our true intentions and exploit others’ weaknesses to secure our needs or wants. We esteem the things we want more than we value others. Jacob used manipulation to resolve the conflict over the blessing of his dying father: Isaac. Genesis 27:10.
